No more wishing.
No more wondering.
We’re back together.
I’m in the happy cloud that is expected from that sentence but it’s like a weight was lifted.
No more constantly explaining why I don’t want to date.
No more getting judged because I won’t date (and why).
No more confessions of feels from “friends” who just don’t get it.*
I can just… be.
*I love how it actually takes being in a relationship for that to stop. What is wrong with people? What part of “I love someone else” doesn’t sink in? It takes a lot of effort for me not to say, “If you cared about me as much as you’re telling me you do then have enough respect for me to shut the f**k up about it and every time you spew your feels I want to bash your face in because you’re a dick for putting me in this position… again.” /endrant
One month ago I started this blog post. I found it in the trash.
I have these cousins. They grew up just up the road from us. The families were so close that we were like extended siblings. There were 13 kids combined, 8 girls and 5 boys. I am the youngest of the bunch. Being the youngest of that many kids, especially that many females, can get exhausting… even as an adult.
I got a text from one of the cousins a couple of nights ago as I was going to bed. “Are you looking for a boyfriend? I may have someone for you.” Looking for a boyfriend? Sheesh. First of all, I never had to look for a boyfriend. Second, if I was interested I’m too quiet and awkward for the whole set-up deal. This particular cousin and her sister made it their mission to set me up. I explained for the hundredth time that my life is too complicated to drag anyone else into it.
I stayed at work late last night to avoid heavy rain. On my way into town, I text my cousin to see what she was doing. She’s been asking to hang out and I always have a reason not to. I’ve used the excuse that I’m busy to avoid hanging out with her. Really it just makes me uncomfortable to justify my disinterest in the whole dating scene every time we visit. No matter how many times I tell her I’m not interested, she’s determined to hook me up. Beyond the fact my heart is with D, I’m less interested because she has absolutely no idea what my taste is in men. For example, their bankroll is near the bottom of my list but the top of her’s. Actually, “have the ability to support yourself honestly” is about the extent of my mental note about the money requirement.
Anyway. As a result, her husband told me that I am privileged, meaning I have an easy life. I suppose that’s an easy assumption to make.
As the night went on, I talked to my cousin about a girl’s night. She said something about getting all the men to come over and flirt with us. When I was sort of like, “meh” then explained that I hate when random men hit on me. I always have. It makes me uncomfortable. I hate it even more now that I’m not in a relationship (a traditionally relationship, anyway). Making this statement, combined with my disinterest in dating, made her hubby ask me if I was gay.
Don’t get me wrong. I absolutely love my cousin. She’s a sweetheart and her hubby can be a hoot. I just don’t know how to get through to them about this whole dating/men thing.
So I can feel less like Count from Sesame Street as I count down (or up?) my Thinking Out Loud subjects, I decided to count in Ojibwe. This is the only thing I can actually say other than counting and various single words…
Boozhoo! Niin Waab-ahnanung’kwey nindizhinikaaz. Ma’iingan doodem.
(Hello! My name is Morning Star Woman. I am Wolf Clan.)
We Are No Longer Enemies.
I am no longer enemies with the scale. I’ve come to respect it again. It’s not at fault for the poor choices I made during the summer. Poor scale got no respect.
I only lost .4 pounds this week but I lost 1% body fat. Yay! I’m quite certain the muscle gain is in my ass. At least that’s what hurt the most this week.
Store No More.
These are coming out of the corner this weekend. The PVC thingies are my cheap knock-off version of the Lebert Equalizer. I’m going to paint them bright pink and add hand grips as soon as we get a less humid, not too hot or cold day (hopefully before the snow flies).
I needed to get a little strength and flexibility back before using them. Since I live in an upper apartment I really didn’t want to lose my balance & hit the floor, causing a ginormous sounding kaboom for DownstairsNeighbors. Continue reading
Went to the Market.
I tell you what. It’s beyond ridiculous that healthy food is so much more expensive than crap. For example, flour tortillas are under $2 for 8 and Brown Rice Tortillas are $10 for 6. Ten stupid dollars for 6 stupid tortillas. I dropped $40 on 6 items last night. It would have easily been less than half of that if I bought the non-healthy versions of everything.
I want to take a trip up to Door County this year. I really wanted to go over the Summer, but I think I’ll wait until apple season now. I’m going to Vegas for work the week of my birthday so I’m trying to spend as little cash money as possible right now. This is a difficult challenge for me. I’m not someone who likes to stay home. Ever.
Roast Beef Vegan Cheese.
So, one of the items I bought last night was Vegan Mozzarella Cheese. I’ve been craving pizza in a bad way for the past few days. I didn’t want to suddenly eat cheese and have my body wig out because it wasn’t ready for dairy buuuuut… I can’t have pizza without melty cheese. So I compromised. Vegan cheese, garlic powder, fresh basil and nutritional yeast (portobello mushrooms and tomatoes, too… on one of those spendy brown rice tortillas). It gave me the delicious melty “cheese” and crunchy crust that I wanted. The garlic powder and nutritional yeast gave me the actually cheesy tasting goodness that I was looking for.
Had None (or not enough).
MyFitnessPal is yelling at me every single day because I’m not eating enough calories. I’m eating all the freakin’ time. I’m trying. I even ate that whole pizza last night (only 400 calories) even though I was getting full 1/2 way through. Shut up, MFP. I’m full all the time okay!?
This is why I hate tracking my food. I start obsessing over it. The downside of not tracking is that I don’t keep myself accountable.
Went wee wee wee all the way
home to the fitness center.
This is how I know MFP is right to yell at me… low energy workouts. That’s also why I made a point to finish that whole stupid pizza.
Anyway, I’m working out again so that means my sprained toe is feeling better. It’s not completely healed but it doesn’t ache when I workout. I treated myself to a FitBit Zip last week for finishing the Reset. Obsessing over that dashboard keeps me motivated to move instead of just sitting at my desk even though it feels like someone punched me in the buttocks. (Did you say that like Forrest Gump? I did.)
Three weeks flew by really fast. I’m glad I did the Reset again. I feel so much better than I did at the beginning of the month.
My final numbers after 3 weeks…
Reset 2015: -10.6 lbs, -13.5″, -5.33% body fat
Reset 2013: -14 lbs, -11″, -4.78% body fat
I’m under 3 pounds away from losing all my “Michigan Weight”. I don’t like that I had to “throw money at the problem” to get myself focused again but it seems to work. I know what to do. It shouldn’t take not wanting to waste money to do it.
Anyway. I’m happy I can start reintroducing food back into my diet but I’m going to keep that at a minimum for now. I want to take my food allergy test first. I’m just excited I have the option to eat more than fruits and vegetables.
And guess what… I’m not having salad for lunch. I’m having a creamy vegan vegetable soup. Wild & crazy, I know.