A Year of Discovering The Authentic Self. Lesson 3: What is Missing?

Me. Evidently it was me that has been missing… for 12 weeks.

Honestly, I’ve been stuck on how much I wanted to open up about this. Several times over the past 3 months I sat here staring at a blank page. I struggled to figure out what is really missing from my life and what is missing my life as a result of being isolated because of the pandemic. They are two very different things.

I slipped into a pretty deep depression during the pandemic. I felt forgotten by family and close friends. I really wanted to do that challenge where you don’t speak to them until they contact you but I did that once about 6 years ago. That time I didn’t hear from anyone for a month. I didn’t really need validation on what the result would be again. That’s not a great feeling when you’re also struggling with grief. As a result, I hung onto my relationship with my ex much longer than I should have.

Which brings me to what is actually missing.

“There are so many areas of life that could be the obvious answer to what is missing: health, relationships (or lack thereof), family, community, work, spirituality, fun, environment, finances, personal growth, etc.“

Well, ain’t that a big old mouthful? I could easily list all of that but I’m working on most of it already so I’ll go with the biggest hurdle.

Companionship.

My relationship with my ex was very toxic. There is no doubt about that whatsoever. However, there was a friendship there. One year ago I decided to cut him out of my life completely. After four months of silent treatment and unanswered calls/texts, I got his landlord involved so I could get my belongings out of his house. When I was there he said, “this isn’t goodbye forever? We’ll talk again, right?” I know I should have left it alone and walked away but I didn’t. I let the rollercoaster continue for another 9 months and a handful of visits. It was companionship. Human contact. Someone who provided conversation and laughter. Someone to do the normal day-to-day things with, like watch movies and plan/prepare meals. Unfortunately, it didn’t come without the toxicity that was present in our relationship. I ended up driving away from him after an argument Easter Weekend and haven’t looked back.

It’s been a long time coming and I know it’s not “him” that I’m missing. There’s just a very big void that the friendship filled when I really needed someone.