Fabulously Me

This is my last post in here… well, at least until the next time I have A Bun in the Oven.

I had a D&C done yesterday.  The surgery went very quick.  The doctor told Adam that I had already started dialating & would have started miscarrying very soon if I wouldn’t have had the procedure done (which explained some horrendous cramping I had Tuesday night).  I’m moving a little slow cuz I’m a slightly sore.  Other then that, I’m feeling pretty good.  I plan on going to work today.  I figure if I get too sore, I could always come home.

Adam has been wonderful.  He’s going out of his way to make sure I’m comfortable & fed.  I was unbelievably starving all day yesterday.  The first thing I remember saying while I was in recovery (after “Ow, I was biting my lip while I was out.”) was “I’m still starving.  When can I eat?” LOL   Once we got settled at home, and I ate 2 cans of Pringles *grin*, Adam made me some grilled cheese sandwiches for supper.  I swear to God grilled cheese never tasted so good.

Before the procedure, Adam & I were given some different burial options.  We had a hard time even talking about it so we decided against it.  It was very clear that we both needed immediate closure & any type of burial or ceremony would have just prolonged heartache.

As you know, the doctor didn’t give us very good news this morning.  He told us that your little heart wasn’t beating and we may have already lost you because you looked smaller then what you were last week.  Maybe it just wasn’t the right time for either of us yet.  I’m glad you hung on long enough to let the doctor tell me what was going to happen.  I’m sure you knew how hard the loss would have been for me if it happened before I got confirmation.  Now they’re going to let me let you go on my terms.

I know I’ve said it was easier to think that I could never be a mommy then to have you only to lose you but that’s not true at all.  I’m so incredibly happy that you came into my life, even if it were for a few short weeks.  You’ve given me hope when I didn’t think there was any.  And even though I’ve always known this, you showed me what an incredible husband your daddy is going to be.

Thank you so much for coming into my life.

Love Always,
Your Mommy

P.S.  Even though we didn’t hear the news we were hoping to, I’ll take us out for ice cream tonight anyway.

*grumble*  WHY must hormones be so cruel?  I hardly broke out as a teenager – had the occassional zit here & there but nothing serious – so why now??  I thought since I hardly broke out before, that I’d hardly break out now.  Why can’t I be one of the lucky ones that have the glow of pregnancy intead of a zit face? lol

Who in the world knew it was possible for a Shamrock Shake to taste like Mylanta?! blech

Yesterday I decided that having morning sickness and being tired everyday and sleepless every night isn’t going to be for nothing.  I never knew I’d love something so dearly and become so attached to something I’ve only known about for 3 weeks.  I had a talk with baby on the way home from work last night.  I told it that I’m not ready to give up & it had to be a good boy or girl and let the doctor see it’s little heart beat on Friday.  I promised him or her that I’d take us out for ice cream if it would do this one little thing for me right now.

I then called Adam & told him I was going to stop at Barnes & Noble on my way home to buy my first pregnancy book, Chicken Soup for the Expectant Mother’s Soul.  I decided on this book because I wanted to read about experiences right now, not facts.  I also loved that it had stories from expecting fathers so Adam could read them.  Plus, it has comics & we all know how he loves his comics.  At one point, he had to see what I was giggling about so he grabbed the book from my hands & started reading. LOL.  I read about 4 chapters last night.  I now understand why Pauline loves the Chicken Soup series so much.