This is what happens when I take naps after work and can’t fall to sleep at a reasonable hour. Thinking, over thinking, analyzing… everything. My mind kept churning last night for hours. I’d write, then think, then write some more… until I finally decided to take a hot, relaxing bath to force my brain to shut off.
I edited this down quite a bit. It was really long and got way too deep into personal stuff. I clearly need to start my nightly “write and toss” routine again just to keep what I would normally document there from bubbling over to here.
Here I go, here I go, here I go again.
We have that comfort level, making it easy to slip back into some of our old routines. The warmth returned to our hugs when we say our see-you-laters, as well as the sweet pecks on the forehead when he finds my thought process silly and amusing. (I still don’t think a double-decker couch is a bad idea, I have little legs… but whatevs.) Our fingers lock gently together, as if they never intend to let go. The puzzle pieces fit perfectly into place as we scoot into a snuggle pretzel.
Walls I have to protect myself, walls that never existed for him, are staying up around my heart. They aren’t brick walls… more like screen doors. Regardless of the materials are used to construct them, walls exist. I’m guarded.
There is a very thick line drawn in the sand. Comfy, slightly more than friends stuff over there; me and my overly cautious heart over here.
This is some new territory. The result is that I’m thinking every single move through instead of simply following my heart, or hormones. That’s not the norm, especially where he’s concerned.
I recognize a pattern that existed in another relationship. The downfall of being a great distraction is that sometimes that’s all you are, a distraction. It would break me to go all-in with him again, only for the end result to be me standing there empty handed. Again.
Where is all of this coming from?
I said no. To him.
After months, years really, of longing for the connection that use to exist between us… on the surface it seems to have returned. However, after weeks of “just friends” conversation my skeptical heart and I got up from the couch, shut off the TV, gave him a hug and kiss on the cheek then went to bed. There wasn’t even a slight hesitation.
I said no. To him.
Oh my silly, complicated heart.